AITAH for not reaching out to mend a broken friendship after they defended my harasser?
2025.01.19 04:56 Pale-Dish3339 AITAH for not reaching out to mend a broken friendship after they defended my harasser?
This is something that has been weighing on my mind, and I'm not entirely sure how to go about this situation.
For context, I (20F) was bullied during my last year of highschool by the people in my grade. I found new friends from people in lower grades, joining a new friend group that I've kept since 2022. I'll mention a few of them using made up names just to make this easier to understand.
Greg (18M) was one of the first friends I made and the one I'm mainly writing this post about. He was a very serious and up-tight guy when I first met him. In Argentina, people greet each other with a kiss on the cheek, however Greg would greet everyone with a stern handshake. That's just an example to show just how serious he was. There came a point where he became one of my best friends as he opened up little by little, becoming less up-tight. He stopped greeting me with a handshake, and instead gave me a big hug while yelling "Kenny!" (my name) with great emotion.
In 2023 We had this small friend group with 4 other people where we would hang out a couple times a month to play games and get drunk. I graduated in 2022 and they were all still in high school, so I'd see them less often than they'd see each other but this was never a problem. The problem came in August of that year, when Greg thought it was a good idea to introduce his childhood friend into the friend group, who I'll call Frank (20M.)
The day I met Frank, I was attracted to him physically. I didn't know anything about him apart from what him and my current best friend Nicholas (17M) had told me previously, saying he was basically a clown. They told me he never took care of his appearance, which is why I was taken aback when I first saw him. I never had confidence in myself, since I am on the bigger side. I wouldn't say I'm fat, but I'm not skinny either. At that time I was in the worst shape I'd ever been, but have since lost a lot of weight. This is why I had a very low self-esteem, so when I saw Frank was interested in me, I jumped right in as I tend to do.
He was completely inexperienced with women as my other friends told me, saying they had never seen him interact with one, so I was excited when we made out for the first time, meaning I was his first kiss. Looking back I was extremely stupid to not see the signs, but I wasn't used to having attention so I used to ignore anything about a guy that showed any interest in me. (I have since changed that though.)
I had feelings for Frank, but he didn't. After we made out one night, we kept talking— sexting rather. He'd always ask me to send him nude pictures, and I always (stupidly) did. Two days later he said he didn't want to continue doing what we were doing, since he didn't have feelings for me and he knew I did, so we stopped. Though I knew it was because he was going on his senior trip a week later and didn't want to be tied down. Usually people get mad wasted during that trip and make out with anyone, so he wanted to do that.
Once he came back from the trip, he wouldn't stop gloating about this girl he made out with during a party and gave a lot of details, which didn't appreciate. He would call me everytime and just talk about that, and since I had feelings for him I just listened. I was very dumb at the time.
After a few weeks, he reached out to me and asked if we could be friends with benefits, and I agreed. Again, very stupid of me since I never liked those types of situations, I'm more of a date-to-marry person, and I don't like a fling of the moment. But I obliged since I liked him. We'd hang out just to make out and do sexual stuff, though we never had sex because he was a virgin and he wanted to have his first time with someone he was romantically involved with, which I respected. However, he always told me to keep this a secret from everyone, especially our friend group and I did. I know it was because he was ashamed of me, but I still continued.
Fast forward a bit, he ended up blurting it out and everyone found out. They didn't make a big deal out of it and simply found it funny. However everything changed when I introduced him to my then best friend Mary (19F.) He was extremely attracted to her since the first time he saw her and commented on her big breasts, which made me realize just how sick he was. I know it was late, but that was the moment I realized he was with me for my big breasts, and nothing else. My feelings eventually faded, and I found myself hating him. I never hated Mary though, because even though I knew she liked him, she always turned him down because she knew I had once liked him, and she couldn't do that to me. I always told her it was okay for her to go out with him, but she never agreed.
Eventually I stopped things with Frank, and I'm glad I did. I met my now ex-boyfriend Kevin (20M) in December of 2023. I told the friend group immediately I had fallen in love at first sight, which is where things went south with Frank. Frank had been texting me from time to time since I cut things off with him, trying to initiate a sexual conversation, but I never allowed him to. He became more persistent once I started dating Kevin, which eventually evolved into sexual harassment. As I previously mentioned, I take my relationships very seriously, and wouldn't even think about cheating, so I never entertained Frank and his ideas, but I kept being friends with him for the sake of the friend group, and I never told anyone about the messages Frank was sending me. I knew from other friends that he would comment about me from time to time, they told me he had said he "didn't know what he saw in me." and then proceeded to laugh and say that it was my breasts. I was sent a video of him saying that. He'd constantly say I was ugly, but he was with me for my breasts and ignored the rest of my body. All while texting me, begging me to be intimate with him again. Disgusting guy, sincerely.
Fast forward to April of 2024. After a common friend's birthday party, I had to ask Frank if I could go with him to his house and take an Uber to mine from there, since the party was over 2 hours away from my place, and an Uber to my home from there would be extremely expensive. I asked Frank because all my other friends had left, and he was my last option. Frank happily agreed, and I went back with him.
Once at his place, I immediately started looking for an Uber, It was around 3AM, so the wait time was big due to the short availability, also due to how far my house was from his house. But Frank told me to sit on the couch and chat since we hadn't done so for a long time. I sat with him but told him I would just wait for the Uber there, since my parents were waiting for me to get back. (They weren't even home, but I needed an excuse to leave.)
Frank then proceeded to make the most disgusting comments to me, saying how he missed doing what we did and commenting on my body. He said he still jerked off to my Instagram stories (I immediately deleted them.) And that I always had a sexy body. He then said he knew I wouldn't cheat on my boyfriend and that he wasn't talking seriously, because if he was he would just take his pants off and make me suck his d right then and there. To say I was disgusted is an understatement. I just nodded and begged for the Uber to arrive. Once it did, I basically ran to the door and got in the car. Once inside, I texted him to never contact me again, to not even engage with me or look at me if we're in a social gathering together. I told him he was disgusting and disrespectful, and blocked him from everywhere.
Fast forward about a month later, I told the friend group about this during a get together at my place where he was invited (not because I wanted, but I had to if I wanted the friend group to come.) Since he was the last to get there, I took the opportunity and told everyone about his behavior. The constant harassment, and the sexual comments he made towards me. After I said so, 4 of the 5 girls there said they had a similar experience, and we kind of made a joke to the last girl to beware, cause he might come for her next. News flash, he did that night. I confronted him about it when almost everyone left, and my younger brother (17M) went off on him, going as far as saying he really wanted to beat him up for everything he told me, and Frank just laughed the whole time, making excuses for himself.
After that night, I couldn't take it anymore. I texted the WhatsApp group admin that I wanted Frank removed from the group since I was no longer comfortable to be around him, and if he didn't want to do so, I would leave the group myself. He was understanding and did it, but everyone continued being friends with him despite knowing what he did. I wasn't mad at them for this, since I can't dictate who other people are friends with. I told them that while they kept him away from me, I didn't mind them being friends. In following gatherings, they would mention frank here and then, and sometimes tried to convince me to forgive him since he was regretful and was changing. I didn't buy it, and even if he did change, it didn't change what he did to me, so I never forgave him and made it clear to them that I never would.
This became an issue though, since a few months ago I realized they had chosen him over me. Everytime I'd ask through the chat if they wanted to hang out, everyone had an excuse, and they would mostly never reply to me. I justified them though, since they were in their last year of high school and I thought they were busy. But I later found out it was because they'd rather hang out with him.
Now comes Greg, the one who introduced Frank to me. Greg never said anything about the situation, but I knew he stuck by Frank's side, occasionally making a comment about how I took things too far. A common friend told me that Greg had said once at a gathering that he thought I over exaggerated the whole thing, and that Frank was just like that. I since noticed that Greg stopped talking to me after what went down with Frank, and I didn't reach out either.
I ignored this however, since I don't have many friends and I do have a fear of abandonment. Last month they had their graduation, which I found out through Instagram stories, where I also found out Frank was invited, but not me. That's when I decided to distance myself from everyone. I didn't want to make a big deal, so I said nothing and simply left the group chat and stopped reaching out. Only Nicholas rekindled his friendship with me, but I never mentioned how I felt about the rest of the group to him. Two people reached out, not to ask how I was doing but acting like nothing had happened, like they hadn't forgotten about my existence for months, and asked if I wanted to hang with a few of them because "I was missed." I never went.
Last week was my birthday. I invited Greg and a few other friends not from that group, but Greg never answered. Nicholas came and he was a great company. However, Greg didn't even wish me a happy birthday or say he couldnt attend. It was radio silence.
Today wile I was chatting with Nicholas, he sent me a picture showing he was currently with Greg, so I jokingly said "haha tell Greg he didn't wish me a happy birthday." I said it in a joking manner, but I guess Greg took it seriously. Nicholas texted me that "there must be a reason, but that's for you two to talk about." That's when something snapped in me. I told Nicholas that I was joking, but his answer made some negative thoughts I had resurface. He then answered saying that a friendship has to be met with the same effort on both sides and recommended me a book. I told him that I didn't think that was the case for us, since neither one had done any effort with the other whatsoever, and that I had pushed away some thoughts I had just to keep the friendship, but I no longer wanted that. I ended the text by clarifying to him that I wasn't going to get him in the middle of things. For a bit of context, Nicholas's mom passed away some days before Christmas due to cancer, and he was currently going through a breakup, so I don't want to add another problem to him.
Here's where I might be the asshole. I know I should communicate with Greg, but I genuinely don't know if I want to be friends with him, given how he has spoken about me. I don't know if I want to be friends with Nicholas either, since I know he thinks the same as Greg about how I handled the situation with Frank, since he's also been friends with him longer than with me. I know neither of them thinks what Frank did was wrong, and they both think I was dramatic. I know I am not, since I simply did not allow myself to be disrespected again and established firm boundaries. I haven't talked to nor unblocked Frank since the day things happened, and I won't either.
So, am I the asshole for not reaching out to Greg to talk about the situation? I don't want to constantly be giving the first step to fix a friendship I didn't break in the first place, and I'm afraid it'll just get worse. Would it be wrong to just let the situation die out alone?
Am I the asshole for not talking to Nicholas about my feelings on the situation with Frank? I don't want to put my feelings aside to care about his, knowing how hard times are for him currently. But I can't spring out a new issue for him either, and I know he thinks of me as his best friend, as I did until today.
And finally, am I the asshole for how I handled the situation with the friend group? Am I wrong for not communicating? Communication is a big thing for me, and I know it's important, but I'm just hurt about everything that's gone down. I'm tired of feeling like everything's my fault, when I was the one who was sexually harassed, and I just simply didn't allow it to keep happening.
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