I think I might have started hating my father again
2025.01.21 01:39 Unlikely-Growth-897 I think I might have started hating my father again
Warning: lost post ahead.
Tdlr: father has really bad anger issues and shouted and beat my mom in front of all of the cousins who are staying at my home for a week.
My brother (<9) became sick just before we were about to leave the house for a function so he stayed at home with dadi. Today was the first wedding ceremony of a close cousin, hence two of my bhuas (father's sisters) with 4 kids plus my grandma's sister had come (my point is, there were around 13 people in my house, most of them in bed after coming back home). My father had sent my brother (14) to fetch me and my mom early but my mom was busy with another ceremony (they had literally 3 ceremonies on the same day) and in most of those ladies are required. I didn't know they'd all left so I stayed with mom, helped her and stuff. Then, after the necessary part was done, we asked a family friend (he's my mom's childhood friend, like a brother) to drop us home because, well nobody was there to pick us up. (Mind you, mom didn't waste a single second talking to people after the ceremony, she was so worried she came home asap).
As soon as we reached home, I went quickly to change in my room. Before I could even come out, I heard my father shouting, screaming at my mom, calling her names along with loud slaps. He was beating her. Not just that, his anger was out of control. I didn't see any of it, I couldn't stop crying, but just the anger made my blood boil. Why her? She did so much, she never compromises with anything concerning us, yet this is what she gets. I hate myself for not intervening. I hate that I couldn't do anything, just cry those bloody tears. I was so scared for her.. I prayed that he'd just came and beat me, leave her alone. Atleast she wouldn't have to bear those bruises she wouldn't deserve in a million lifetimes. He hit and shouted at her for more than half an hour straight.
Why was he angry? She didn't come earlier, she came with the man he hates (he's trustworthy, but my father is always pissed at him) and she didn't care about my brother. Even though all the others were taking care of him. He was puking up repeatedly, so my father slapped him as well, shouted at him for not trying to get better. My dadi and her sister came so that he doesn't do anything.. regrettable to my mom, they literally tried to push him away but he kept shouting and warning them to get away or he might end up doing something to them as well.
And what did I do? Instead of protecting my mom I cried and begged to God that he stops it, calms down. So selfish. I know why I didn't go, I had had my experience when he was angry and I was so fucking afraid. He hit so hard.. continuously, no matter you cry or beg him or say anything. He'll keep hitting until he deems fit. I hate the fact that I still love him. Even a hint of his smile makes me happy. I don't know if I should hate him, I used to when I was a kid, he used to have really bad anger issues. I thought it was alright now, but no. I try everytime to forget what he does, defend him in front of everyone (relatives, friends, everyone despises him) because I cannot bare anyone talking less of him. Even if it's true.
He's asleep now. Everyone is. Except me. My brother and I tried to calm down our youngest brother, make him relax, take the meds and sleep. But I can't sleep anymore. How does my mom handle this man? When people say, 'I want a husband like my father', I envy them. I just wish I was brave enough. I can do nothing but cry while writing this. What do I do to make any of this better?
(Reporting for domestic abuse is off limits for me)
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2025.01.21 01:39 MrMoviePhone Where's the bottle neck?
Hello Reddit, as I've stepped up into 4 and 6k workflows I've started needing to use proxies to get through the day, totally fine by me. It was explained to me that I was being vram limited in DR and that's why I was having so many issues with playback and effects on native clips - that, or I was using a more complicated video codec, ect... I'm not, most of my work is either xfavc all-i canon footage, or sony h.264.
Here's my system:
Ryzan 3950x
64gigs 3200 ram with decent timings
RTX 3080ti
Power - 1000watt seasonic prime
DR has been updated to 19.1.3
OP Sys = Win 10 Pro up to date running 22H2
Around a 150TB of storage - all of my project drives are either internally connected NVMe, or externally connected NVMe via a san disk pro blade station. Internal system and scratch drives are also NVMe gen 4 and the rest is all traditional HHDs, 2 internal, and several more in a 10gig connected NAS external.
Obvious bottle necks - USB input is limited to 3.2 gen 2 and one 10gig eth for any external drive connections. Also my system drive runs fairly full but not in the red.
My DR experience:
In either user or smart render, timeline has issues with most footage these days, but still renders in realtime - meaning 11fps to buffer, and playback is fairly clean afterwards. Once audio or color effects go on though, without proxies it becomes a clip show. Exports are still decent, but I was thinking a GPU upgrade might smooth things out since I'm running below the recommended 16gigs of vram in the current setup.
My system performance during heavier use:
GPU gets around 30-40% utilization in brief instances, CPU gets around 50-60% running at a capped out 4.10ghz when pushed. Maybe 30gigs of system ram get used, and only around 7gigs of vram... Where's the bottle neck? I was thinking of upgrading my gpu to a 4090 or 5090 just to put in as much vram as possible at the problem without going into more professional A level prices, but I'm not even using 10gigs out of the 3080ti's 12. Am I being power limited?
I will be building a new system this year since the x570 platform has run it's course, but I'm still confused why my system is leaving so much processing on the floor now when I'm only getting at most around 60% of total capacity.
Any feedback is welcome, I'm trying spend wisely right now so outside of a new system build with modern upgrades, if there's compents of the current build I could upgrade sooner, that'd would be best!
By contrast, I also have an m3 max MBP and it destroys my PC in most tasks - which again was leading me to think it's a vram thing, but I'm not sure.
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https://discord.gg/Qruwm39F
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