Just had my first processing session and I feel weird.
2025.01.23 23:04 dollystarlust Just had my first processing session and I feel weird.
hi, I just joined this sub because I need to talk to someone and I try not to text my therapist because I want to maintain our boundaries and not make her work for free.
I've been seeing her since last spring, but today was the first time we tried processing. I got hurt in July and was bedridden for a few months after the surgery so there was a long gap where we didn't meet. Plus I mask and intellectualize and have issues around vulnerability and trust, and also emotional regulation, so she's been taking the building rapport stages more slowly.
We were supposed to do today in person, she uses the vibrating cans for the bilateral stimulation because some of her clients like to be able to close their eyes to visualize. But we had a bunch of snow (in Florida!) a couple days ago so we did telehealth. She used a website, idr the name, but it gave the choice of visual or audio, and we played the with audio options until we found one I liked.
The first target was my fear of doing EMDR at all. She said it was a good target to start slow with, it would help me open up and be able to tolerate getting into heavier stuff. At first I felt silly, not sure if I was doing it right or just faking it, and to be honest that's what my fears are: that I'll look silly, that I'll do it wrong, that I'll fake it. Which I realized while I had my eyes closed listening to the sounds.
She had me sink into the feeling of anxiety in my chest and accept that I was scared and it was maybe going to be uncomfortable, and also at the same time tell myself that I can do hard things and I'm a bad bitch (that phrase was her idea, she said it was good if it makes you laugh a little). At first it was just me trying to get those thoughts to happen simultaneously. Then images started coming up, a lot of them. And then the emotions with the images. Times in my past when I've felt seen and loved for who I am. The fear that came along with it. The fact that those people aren't in my life anymore. The belief that it's my fault they aren't, that I ruined it and I ruin every connection I have. The contradictory longing to have genuine connection with people and the fear of the inevitable pain. And a phrase that kept repeating: safe, seen, and loved for who I am.
When she stopped the sounds I felt far away. Like my words were really far away and it was hard to get to them. That was about 2 and a half hours ago. I've been trying to take a shower since then but I feel frozen, empty, tired. I started crying a minute ago out of nowhere.
I guess I'm posting to ask if all this is normal? Is this how others experience EMDR? What can I expect going forward? How can I take care of myself? How do y'all feel this and also be a person who does things? Do y'all have any routines you use or self care tips or ideas or anything for me? I'm realizing that my go to is to just kind of lock the feelings away and do something else but I know that's part of the problem, and I don't know how to do both.
Sorry this is so long. I just feel weird.
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2025.01.23 23:04 HostConstant5233 Chess Engine as an EC?
Hello, 2 years ago I built a chess engine using C++ and BitBoards. It ranks around 2100 elo, which isn't amazing for an engine. I was wondering if this would help move the needle on my college application. Other than it being used as a bot on lichess, I have no other real way to prove that it is good.
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2025.01.23 23:04 IllustriousBaby9328 C4C
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a world where only Alexander wins please?
I need to be able to sleep tonight, thanks in advance x
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The influx of people I’ve seen recently who (I’m guessing) dated or were friends with an Aquarius and now have meltdowns in the comment section…
Would you like a designated space to get that out?
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It's now full of hate and vitrial rhetoric. I've unsubscribed.
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For roleplay during interviews, are you marked down for not being able to conclude properly. During my mmi, I was cut off from speaking without being able to summerise the roleplay with the interviewer. Is this something that is assessed?
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2025.01.23 23:04 leedade Malasang village, Buka, bambu band
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2025.01.23 23:04 disposable_sounds I think I understand my grievance with Nod now?
Since the song dropped, I've been listening to it at my other job last night, in the car, on airpods and today in the morning.
It sound so much like an extension or a reworking of Rules Of Play... And it really bothers me.
For the Vocals. It reassures me that I wasn't being nit picky about the vocals. I know my hearing isn't all that great, so I thought it was just me. It really does get lost in the mix. Distorted guitars, distorted bass, and distorted vocals with an EQ set to sound like megaphone will easily get lost.
I started thinking the whole time while listening to the song, the one thing that always stood out was the "just nod if you understand me" and it made me think the what if the point of the vocals is supposed to be hard to hear so you can pay harder attention... Like "just nod if you understand me?" , that's just a theory, right? Production value, if you will? I hope that's what it is because it doesn't sound good.
Then I keep thinking I'm listening to Rules of Play doesn't help. Makes me think it's a NG song that was leftover or something...
Idk... The song isn't bad. Maybe I didn't like NG as a lead single that much that anything will satisfy me.
I'm hopeful the rest of the album will have something more. Like, I appreciate a band that is trying new things but, I do feel a little stale of the newer Rise stuff. I have long ago came to terms we'll never get another Sufferer but Endgame, was written during Obama's administration and you can tell there was anger behind their lyrics at that administration.
Again, fingers crossed I'm wrong.
Thank you for coming to TedTalk (brain fart rather)...
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2025.01.23 23:04 Lucidnightmarezzz I was cured of cancer.
"Oh boy, I was cured of cancer!" I said.
What? Sometimes I like doing happy endings.
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2025.01.23 23:04 GalaxyWorksArt [discussion]
If you guys wanna see how bad the cheaters are on labs, go queue up, and just inspect the profiles. It is absolutely insane. I’ve been sitting here for 10 minutes watching and seen over 12 people with less than 40 hours all level 20+. Kinda disheartening honestly.
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