Sharing my TC journey Day -1 : Anxiety and Sadness
2024.11.25 18:21 goodboytools Sharing my TC journey Day -1 : Anxiety and Sadness
So I want to start a thread on my journey to cope up with this incredibly disheartening situation. I find this subreddit very helpful and I hope the mods allow these informal discussion posts
Today is day -1. My surgery is planned to be executed almost tomorrow so that will be day 0. Major stuff will start tomorrow i guess, since i currently only have some reports (that i already shared in my previous posts) and doctor's guesswork. So Today I will take a moment to go into retrospective of my past few months and my feelings.
I don't know even where to start. I am currently feeling so sad and disheartened, and have lost all hopes to have a good fearless life.
Till December 2023, I was living a good sad life. It wasn't the best, but It was okay : - I was a single child of middle class parents ( who hated each other and we 3 had constant fights every sad day) - I had a nice friend circle of 5 with whom i went to different trips (we later fought and lost touch) - I was in prime physical condition and lifting 120 kg in leg press, I used to get seasonal sinus and cough issues but it was getting manageable after gymming for 2 years. - i was awesome at making mobile apps at work (although my office is full of politics and blame games, depressing in general)
Also I did this sweet Sin that should have harmed no one : masturbation. every next day i would rub one or 2. I had sadness all around me, what harm would patting the little general do?
Then came My first tragic day :12th January 2024. I was having a usual day : logged off the office laptop at 7, went to gym, did a great 1.5 hr bicep session , followed by a fun match of arm wrestling with a friend.
**CRACK** : a flashing light on my eyes followed by an immense pain. something happened and everyone rushed to me. I just thought that its a bone dislocation and everything will be normal, but xray showed 2 bones instead of 1 in my left bicep.
So basically I had my humorous bone broken. This mishap was followed by a haunting chilly night outside a government hospital for emergency surgery which did not happen, followed by 3 days of pain and finally a surgery in private hospital with plate insertion to hold my nroken bones, followed by a night of immense pain post surgery, followed by 3 months of healing , working from home, light movements and extreme humiliation.
I thought my karma finally came back to get me and hopefully this was the end of it. by may 2024, i was sad , broken but still healthy enough to put on my backpack and goto office. This sadness soon started to fade and got switched with hopes and happiness.
Happiness that i can go back to my shitty office. Happiness that i can still hold few bags of vegetables if not the whole 20 liter water jar. Happiness that i can drive again. And Hopes that by next year , i would be able to get that damn 15 cm plate out of my hand and get a completely healed bone that can again do 100 pushups.
My parents were also somewhat relieved from the immediate disaster and planned of switching homes. We are almost broke , but with a few Savings we started home hunting in may/june. This should be an exciting time, but since it was our loveless family, it again caused a lot of fights and shoutings and stress for us.
***CHAPTER: TESTICLE RELATED ABNORMALITIES***
One day in june 2024, During my self love session i first noticed a different thing : my right ball was almost non-existent and my left ball was decently visible. i was scared a bit not able to find a testicle and started researching about the undescended balls. later i forgot about it and went with the usual.
On 10th july I noticed another thing. I small red pimple like stuff on my shaft at 2 cm from the top. I thought it was an irritation due to some hair pull as i was already having some more little white pimples on my sack and ignored it. but later it became very inflated and i was feeling pain. I showed my dad andn he told me to ignore it and eat an anti biotic. To my relief , it poped on its own when i was in office and when i came back home, i manually pressed it to push out all the white germs and got it cleaned with soap. All done and dusted.
Then one day when i was having self love, I felt a sudden excruciating pain. i thought that i might have accidentally squished my left ball with my underwear but i continued to jack off. to my horror , reddish semen came and i had pain for sometime in the ball before it became less and less (to the point that i can ignore it).
Then i abstained for some 7-8 days before trying to jack off again. Meanwhile i noticed that the pimple was back and this time it was bigger. I knew it was a pimple so i tried to kill it manually by pressing and puncturing with a mobile sim tray pin ( i disinfected it with hand sanitiser first). to my relief it immediately popped and never came back. Even today that site has a pimple sack i guess because when i press it, it still erupts some pimple juice and blood
the came the night of october 11. I had a hard office day, i came back home with hot body , back pain and nausea. my parents checked and it was a mild fever and gave me medicine.
Next day i was fine everywhere except one place : My balls and thighs. Something felt uneasy and my thighs were feeling as if being pulled by my balls which had mild pain. i showed my ball to my dad and he said its bad, its probably hydroceles.
I went to Emergency on 12th October and they gave me some pain injection which was not very helpful 3 days later i went to proper OPD and they also thought of it as hydroceles and gave me antibiotics for 5 days. I ate them and felt better at pain areas but size didn't changed. Also the pain would randomly happen in night for a few seconds and then go away.
Next time they checked the ultrasound and found it concerning and again gave me medicines and asked for another ultrasound test. By this time , it was around November 6th and they finally wrote "possibility of tumor cannot be ruled out". My parents were fumimg at this, thinking that the girl who did the ultrasound was a noob and over exaggerated stuff. However doctors recommended tumor marker blood tests and when they came, the doctors were also finally saying that its 95% chance that ITS A CANCER.
I can't forget that day. My mom was about to fall off the moment doctor said cancer. I again heard that same "beeeeeep" sound in my ear that i heard when my bone cracked and then i was back at the moment. Life seemed to be flipped and I could not think straight. But i had to see my mom first which was taking this news worse. we just listened to what doctor said , took his diagnosis sheet and rushed towards the 2nd opinion hospital.
Till that time, my worst fears were to not loose fertility, to not go under the surgery , to not be in the position of being unable to walk, unable to piss, and be ashamed. But then, all i could think of was death. Not even the cancer, but just death. I was not ready to be the one-ball guy, I just wanted to kill myself then and there. My worst fears were coming alive.
**"CHAPTER : TODAY***
I don't think I have any story mode left in me as I am writing this line.
the news came back 10 days ago and today is , well today. I am not dead yet, I am not having any positive thoughts either. I am just regretting this year , my karmas and simply trying to predict the ever changing future by researching and reading stuff , and now its here.
- Tomorrow, most probably, I will have My ball removed. It will probably a 1-2 hour procedure followed by 2 hours of deep sleep.
- When I will wake up, I will probably not be able to sit straight right away andn might feel a bit pain. Later that night, I will have the worst first night post surgery and i will need pain injections in the middle of night. I will also probably require urine bottles/poop buckets
- Next day i will probably be trying to walk a bit, but another news would come that my TC is stage 2A and would require another surgery for lynph nodes and chemo (we have the ct scan which says so, so am hoping they do the 2 surgeries together if needed. It also revealed that i have fatty liver by additional 1.5 cm and sugar levels of additional 4 moles , i.e 130 when max permitted sugar is 126)
- then those doctors would probably do another surgery and would let me go.
- in home i will again have next 5-7 days of healing with shameful public poops/piss and bland foods.
- next few weeks will follow chemo and i will be loosing my beautiful hair and immunity. My plate removal surgery might also get pushed by 12 months since my immunity is shitty and bones are fragile.
- We might probably also see financial crisis as i have already used up my paid leaves and my office policy is either wfo on wfo day or take a leave . So my salary goes out by 50% or ar worse the whole 100% . we are also living i a home on loan, so that's just also very fucking nice.
- even if we do conceive a child, i am giving my kid the mutated cancer gene.
- My right ball or some other part can also get the big C in future due to current TC or chemos.
2024.11.25 18:21 pragyasreedb12 where to read?
where can i read lilith spin off?
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2024.11.25 18:21 hatchcats-game Coolnice
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I made a pretty low offer (essentially $5 + $50 shipping) on an a tape deck being sold as parts/not working. No description just two pictures. Part of the reason I bought it was I was to repair it as cosmetically the front was beautiful. Honestly they shipped it pretty nicely, bubble wrap, box, within a box. It came as expected. EXCEPT. It smells horrible of cigarette smoke....maybe that just comes with the territory of old nice tape decks... 🤣 I'm looking up if there's a somewhat easy to get MOST of that smell out. It also is missing one of the levers. It's still usable but it's a black stud vs a nice metal silver piece. It's definitely in the pictures and definitely not in the box or bubble wrap. I'm going to probably post on vintageaudio to see if there's a site I can source the lever cover piece itself for < $10 and ask that in a refund.
If I'm not able to address the smoke sufficiently or more importantly there seems to be no way to find that piece except to buy a whole new one, am I still able to request an item not as described? I know that usually doesn't work on for parts and pieces surely I can.. im going to message him first and see if that lever is laying around anywhere.
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Or
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2024.11.25 18:21 nyxgold Compact flash card
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