WIBTA If I get married without telling my mother?

2024.11.26 03:50 Accomplished-Pin1895 WIBTA If I get married without telling my mother?

I'm feeling pretty torn.
My(nonbinary, any pronouns) fiancé(he/him) and I are in our 20s. We got engaged mid-summer '23. We have always planned to have a private ceremony with just us, officiant, witnesses, and a photographer somewhere beautiful outside and then have a big reception/party with friends and family after a honeymoon. I told my parents of this plan shortly after our engagement. They seemed supportive.
Initially, we decided to just plan it how we want it and then wait until we could pull it off, but life got in the way... and kept getting in the way. We realized there's just never going to be a "right" time, and the longer we wait the less I care about having a "wedding" and the more I just want to be married to the love of my life. So, screw it, we're getting married at the local courthouse next month. The date is set.
I brought it up to my mom over text (she lives 6hrs drive away from me) as a hypothetical to guage her reaction. At first she said, and I quote "I support whatever you want" and I was so relieved and kind of surprised. She's since made it clear that she does NOT in fact support what we want. Our convo went exactly as follows;
Me: " [fiancé's name] and I have been thinking about just getting married at the courthouse sometime soon. We still do want to do a reception but it would probably need to wait until like next fall."
Mom: "I support whatever you want- and I think it would be great if you wait until next fall for the wedding and reception- I would be able to help then. And you could do something small but nice outside somewhere"
Me (not realizing she said wedding and reception): "I was thinking maybe a fire on [name of family property] if it's cleaned up enough and w the burn ban lifted of course"
Mom: "That could be really nice"
Me: "We think so too. We'd want food and drinks and music too of course"
Mom: "Yes- it's going to be a wedding & a celebration!"
Me (now realizing she's said wedding twice): "We don't really plan to do a public ceremony, so more just a reception. I love the idea of celebrating with family but I personally don't find the need for or like the idea of making the ceremony itself a more public affair"
Mom: "You can still do them on the same day- you could even go to a court house in a small group and then head to the reception- "
Me: "I think we'll do it here before we move with just us. We'll probably pay for witnesses to keep it 100% neutral so nobody feels personally excluded. Eloping was always the plan, the only difference now is that the reception will be longer after the 'ceremony' than we originally planned."
It has been five days, and she has not responded. Four days ago, she responded to my snapchat story (video of my dog) with "awww" and I replied with "yeah he's cute. I hope you're not too upset about the wedding situation." Two days ago, she finally opened that message, was "typing" and then also never responded. She's been active in our family group chat and on her social media. It's very obvious I'm getting the cold shoulder.
My fiancé and I may or may not go to her place for Thanksgiving (other circumstances dictate if we do or do not) so we might discuss it then. If we don't though, and she doesn't open up to me on her own, I plan to just get married without bringing it up to her. I feel it would be a fair and natural consequence of literally ignoring your daughter after they tell you they're probably getting married soon. I don't think I should cater to my mother's petty decision to ice me out because she doesn't agree with how I choose to get married. My fiancé agrees with this.
To be clear, I am NOT questioning how and when I am getting married. I am 100% confident in that decision. I am not 100% confident in how to deal with my mother. We've had a difficult relationship in the past, and how it is now is the best I can remember it being. I don't want to ruin that, (I'm sure she'll be hurt and upset if leave her out of the loop) but my family has some dysfunctional, sometimes toxic tendencies and I also feel the need to protect my own peace and be sure they all know I won't be taking their BS now or ever.
So, would I be the as*hole if I get married without telling my mom?
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