I get accused of being always angry when I am not really not, not at first anyway.
2025.01.24 11:31 fading_anonymity I get accused of being always angry when I am not really not, not at first anyway.
My mother often says "she feels assaulted by my angry tone."
In my reality she is demanding things and forcing me to do things that I just simply do not want to do and she refuses to accept any talk back, she either gaslights me or just completely ignores it in a "oh no, anyway" kinda manner and whenever I tell her, sometimes even with tears in my eyes, that its extremely hard for me to deal with things he demands of me. and yes, I have told her multiple times that I am on the spectrum but she clearly never took even a moment to google what that means, which to me feels like it fits in the view I have of her where she just cares about things that matter to her and her son doesn't seem to be one of those, apart from in the abstract sense. Like she loves the idea of a son but she doesn't love HER son.
What these things are is not super relevant but lets just say it has a lot to do with not respecting my privacy, always trying to dominate me and telling me what to do, gaslighting my own choices if she doesn't agree with them and whenever she wants something but I don't she just literally nags me into submission because her energy is sooooooo incredibly horrible to deal with that I'll just give in out of exhaustion.
When ever these moments happen, I always get the same routine: She demands something, I politely say I'd rather not, she says it again as if I did not just say I don't want to, I get frustrated because I feel ignored and my tone hardens, she uses that to say "stop being so angry all the time" and uses it to pretend she has the moral highground and just keeps on nagging that I should do what she wants.
One proper example I can give without revealing too much is that recently I had a girl over and she had to flee naked to my bedroom because suddenly unannounced my mom's husband just entered my house, and since this happened that girl is not really down for visiting me anymore... Another time he even literally broke in while I was sleeping because they felt they have the right to acces the house whenever they please and me explaining the law, morality or just common fucking decency holds no weight for them.
Then at one point I do get angry out of sheer frustration of being treated like a subhuman who's opinion's are waved away as being the ramblings of a angry guy when I am in fact quiet clearly communicating that I don't want it and in my point of view she is the horrible one for always nagging her opinion into others untill they simply bend or break, and seeing as she is the one I rent from it gets really complex to deal with.
Sometimes I try to take the advice others gave me on this subject and just calmly and clearly repeat:
I realize that is what you want, but honestly I do not and since its my decision Im gonna ask you to not interfere with it.
Her response to this is always the same: victim role, I am so mean to her, She is the real victim of me her entire life because I am always angry and asking out loud what did she ever do to me
(when in fact, she actually DID do a lot to me, she kicked me on the street at 13 where I had some really fucked up shit happen and it scarred me for life but thats another story)
The main thing I wanted to ask about is, does anyone here recognize the problem of getting accused of always being angry in this context and how do you deal with it because, apart from the obvious conclussion that I need to find another place to live asap, which is obviously already something I am working on, I still need to manage the time untill then ,specifically since I just need to deal with her for subjects related to rent etc and also I tried very hard to repair the relationship with my mother but as it stands now I feel that I'm probably better off cutting her out of my life (again) entirely because I notice she just breaks me down, just like she did when I was a kid and I haven't been this suicidal and depressed in years and I feel its all directly or indirectly related to being gaslit by her all the time.
If I'd apply the rules that I apply to the rest of the humans in my life, which is: "if you are a toxic influence in my life I'm just cutting you out of it" I'd have broken of contact with her already but since I tried really hard to fix things I'd given her more chances then anyone else ever got.
The problem for me is that I don't really understand the NT way of acting and I just find myself apologizing for things I don't feel I did wrong but I just don't want to have all this friction all the time so I have been apologizing for just being myself so long now that I don't even know what is normal and what is not.
Its a bit of a rambling post and I will prob remove it in a day or so because I don't want this to remain online but im so stuck on this that I would love some insights from yall because im really at the end of my rope.
Btw, I also asked my friends and none of them recognize the accusations of my mom apart from that they say "yeah u are very critical in your way of thinking and don't really hold back when you have an opinion nor do you like it when others tell you how you should do something but I wouldn't call it anger in the sense that its anger directed towards me, though I will admit you might have a underlying anger about the world's injustice as a whole" which tracks much more with how I personally see it too.
A bit of a chaotic write but I would love to hear all your thoughts.
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