My narcissist father cheated on my stepmom of 20yrs, and now our family is falling apart

2024.11.25 02:00 Impossible_Driver772 My narcissist father cheated on my stepmom of 20yrs, and now our family is falling apart

My father, James (47M), and I, Charlie (29M), have always had a strained relationship. He’s an extreme narcissist, was occasionally physically abusive during my childhood, and has never supported me in any meaningful way. He still criticizes me for being a “hippie” and traveling after I left the military. Until I was 10, I lived with him full-time, but my grandparents, seeing how emotionally abused and timid I was, begged him to let them adopt me. Though he refused to relinquish custody, he did allow me to live with them, a decision that completely changed my life for the better.
James later had three sons with my stepmom, Rachel, all younger than me. I’m his only child with my biological mother. I’ve tried to see him as a good man because he’s always been a hard worker and outwardly a devoted husband to Rachel. He’s always been a devout Christian who pressures his children to share his beliefs, harshly judging us for anything he deems immoral. While my brothers align with his faith, I don’t, which has always been a source of tension. Even though he’s given my brothers more attention than me, he hasn’t been a great father to them either.
Recently, my image of him was shattered. We discovered he’s been cheating on Rachel. For years, I’ve struggled to understand why I still have love for him despite everything he’s done, but now I question if there’s anything good left in him. I feel a mix of love and hate, an exhausting and painful conflict.
His response to being caught has been entirely narcissistic. He told Rachel he hasn’t loved her for 20 years and isn’t attracted to her anymore. Rachel, who is beautiful and an exceptional wife and mother, has begged him to come back, end the affair, and go to therapy together. Instead, he’s insisted she’s the only one who needs therapy and claims she should be happy for him because he’s found someone who makes him happy—despite having known this other woman for only a few months.
This has exposed more lies. He often claimed to be working late when he was actually with the other woman and her son. He’s a hypocrite too. For example, he refused to help my brother Matt (24M) when Matt considered working at my dad's Gravel company and needed to claim $30/hr earnings for a home loan application for Matt's family and 2yr old daughter. My dad said no he can only give him $25/hr. Knowing that would not be enough, Matt asked if James could just say he was paying $30/hr so his application would get approved and James said “That’s lying, and God wouldn’t like it.” which led to Matt getting denied. This happened just a month before we learned of his affair.
It all reminded me of his reaction when I divorced my schizophrenic ex-wife. She had become dangerous, nearly stabbing me multiple times and nearly setting me on fire while camping. When I told him, he cut me off, said he wouldn't hear it and insisted that “a man never leaves his wife” and that “all things are fixable,” refusing to see any evidence. Now, he’s doing exactly what he condemned me for, without any attempt to fix his marriage.
This situation is complicated further because we’d already planned a road trip in Mexico. He was supposed to help me after my Jeep broke down, and he sent me money for another vehicle so I could travel home with my two dogs. Rachel has begged my brothers and me not to let him know we’re aware of his affair, fearing he’ll blame her for ruining his relationships with us. My brothers resent him and have refused to spend Thanksgiving with him, but they’re struggling to keep the secret. I’ve asked them to say the other woman told us as she has reached out to Jenny before, if he finds out we know.
I’m torn about what to do. Part of me wants to cut him off entirely and focus on holding our family together, something he’s never truly done. But I also worry about what happens if we all turn away from him. He’s been sober for 15 years, but I fear he could relapse or even harm himself if he loses the love of everyone closest to him. He would likely cry and beg for sympathy, but I know he’d never truly take responsibility. He’d blame Rachel for his actions, just as he always avoids accountability.
I don’t see how he can continue his life without the love of the most important people around him. At the same time, I’m not sure he deserves to keep us in his life after all the pain he’s caused.
TL;DR: My father, James (47M), has always been a narcissist and was sometimes abusive during my childhood. My grandparents raised me from age 10 due to his emotional abuse. Recently, we discovered he’s been cheating on my stepmom, Rachel, after 20 years of marriage. Instead of taking accountability, he’s been unapologetic, claiming he hasn’t loved her in years and refusing therapy, while Rachel, a great wife and mother, is devastated and begging him to come back. His lies and hypocrisy have shattered our family’s perception of him, and while my brothers and I resent him deeply, Rachel has asked us to keep the affair secret to avoid further conflict. I’m torn between cutting him off entirely for the pain he’s caused and worrying he’ll spiral into drinking or self-harm if everyone abandons him.
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