2024.11.26 23:41 Pineal_Gland_101 How do you even let go?
This will be perhaps a very familiar description.
Me, secure ex AP [31M] meet FA [28F] with light form of BPD as I find out later. Get the whole lovers hype. She is aware of her atatchment issues. Does weekly therapy. Happy that I figured about her attachment. Gives more literature to read on it. Is a psy graduate herself. Going dandy. Hints at BPD. Then, begins hot and cold. Invites me over one evening, cancels and tells me she needs to be by herself. Is in generally melancholic mood. Shares with me that she is very much attracted to me. Cries when with me. Shares how she feels and that I give her safety. I try to keep cool as I roughly know what I am dealing with. Realising that she is a good woman I always looked for. No idealisation, just know what I want by now. She calls me "love" by accident once. Very comfortable around me. Honest, direct. No games. Fast-forward deactivates and tells me she loves what we shared but does not feel the need to repeat it urgently. Tell her Im somewhat lost as to what we did and what she tells me.
I fly back home for few weeks right after. Stalks my socials. Indirect communication. Check in with her to see if she is alright. No answer. Write her that I am emotionally attached now and I realise it as I am away and begin to miss her terribly. And that it is not something I was ready for but here we are and so whenever she would be ready she should write me. Becomes even more active on my socials, likes content... shows sombemelancholic/pensive mood. My mistake nr.2 is writing her up as I just want to make sure she is fine. Trying to digest my emotional involvement given her clear deactivation. Tells me same thing. Not ready for a relationship but happy to chat when occasion arises. I am like: I just wrote to see if you are doing well because you are signaling all over your socials that you are not. BPD suspect as per her admission. Her stalking wanes now.
Fast forward few weeks. Figure, maybe she is just nice and does not want to hurt me. That she realised that she led me on and now feels guilty about it. Write for some clarity because maybe Im the fool here and she does not really like me. Tells me she doesnt feel same way and that it should have been clear. I take it at face value. Tell her Im gonna respect her wishes and not be in her life unless she chooses otherwise. She knows where I am and how to reach me. Does not block me anywhere. For my mental health I unfollow her socials. She keeps stalking mine albeit intermitently now. Signals melancholic state with music, pensive sky pictures through her posting habits on other platforms where she knows I can see it. Did not block me anywhere. I guess she is unsure if what she did is right but clearly I am too much for what she asked. Now going through a sort of a heartbreak but we didnt even enter a dating phase per se and trying to let it go but it is harder than I expected due to the compatibility and mutually stated interests/values. I have traveleld a lot. It is hard to find a real connection that is not pure sex with a person that is on the same wavelength. Maybe all those messages did worse and I pushed her away further...
My anxious ass got triggered well here. I dated a DA several years prior and worked on the issues well after but this here also non-anxiety sentiment that letting go is a big mistake. gut tells me somehow not over but maybe Im just feeding it off hope. Like I will regret it for the rest of my life tier of regret. But I am also in a corner now where I set a hard boundary and left door as wide open as I can. I do not think I can do better, subjectively. This is better. Idiotic ideas like showing up at her door did cross my mind but Im not in the age for this I guess... the space I gave seemed to allow her to reset to her usual routines but with obvious impact our time together had on her. On one end I am trying to convince myself she doesnt have feelings for me so I should work on moving with my life, on the other end I do not trust her words because they do not match her actions.
Did anyone deal with it and what helped you sort this out? Im well aware of lack of clear closure for example that can feed hope but for someone who spoke of clear and honest communicaiton she became quite ambiguous when feelings got involved... I think my current fear is to let go, have my heartbreak and give up hope and then she reappears and I would not be able to say NO to her...
I know, "many women", "you deserve better", etc. I subjectively found what I needed. Yes FA BPD etc but I cannot discard a person and not be in love with them because they struggle.
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2024.11.26 23:41 sweetie123_ I have a huge crush on my teacher.
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2024.11.26 23:41 Saritaa618 Should I leave my company?
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