Hyper-attunement
2025.01.18 19:32 ranc1 Hyper-attunement
 | "Hyper-attunement, a psychological phenomenon rooted in early development, pertains to a person's heightened sensitivity and responsiveness to the needs and emotions of others." pascale.nakhle Social anxiety symptoms are uncomfortable - and they appear as if we have lack of social skills - behavioral problem and that there is something wrong with our thinking, too. So CBT will be automatic response to social anxiety and CBT will attack our behavior and thinking as abnormal, something that must be cured, fixed and as something to overcome. Symptoms of social anxiety which are visible - are actually misleading. What we do not see is below the surface. Social anxiety is an alarm system that is warning us that we do not take care of ourselves. Social anxiety tries to protect us - since we do not have mechanisms to detect toxic people. Due to ACE and ACoA past - we do not have functional healthy tools to handle predators and manipulators and controllers and we have no idea who we are, what is our identity. Our only tools are dysfunctional coping mechanisms that allowed us to survive mentally ill toxic people who were in contact around us in our formative years: self blame, self hatred and self rejection in the form of people pleasing / fawning. With those learned, conditioned, programmed tools - we cannot protect ourselves - and social anxiety our body's response to protect us from the danger. Social anxiety message is that we are not taking care of ourselves - but in fact do the opposite: we allow others to hurt us and we believe that we are doing the correct morally and ethically right thing in the same time. Our tools how to handle social situations are composed of betraying ourselves. We learned in order to survive contact with controlling, demanding, greedy, pathological, angry, aggressive, boundary crossing predators - by us becoming slaves, silent, obedient, people pleasers and pushovers. So our body will protest instead of us. Because we are placing ourselves in danger - and in position where other people easily exploit us. Without us being aware how much we are placing our needs and our well being aside and away from our focus and decision making - we do not see that self abuse at all. We believe that our good and nice obedient behavior is the only way to behave - and we are convinced that anything other means that we are bad person and that we should blame ourselves and feel unworthy. We believe in an idea that we are only good when we are always hyper-attuned to difficult, angry people. This is due to conditioning and exposure to predators, ACE and ACoA. It appears as if we are doing the correct thing, it feels normal that we are focused on harmony and creating ambient without conflict. We are not aware that we are not the ones who are creating conflict at all. Frame of reference a set of ideas or facts that a person accepts and that influences the person's behavior, opinions, or decision When we observe anti-social behavior - we will believe that we are bad person. We take responsibility for toxic people behavior. This is called over-responsibility OCD. And in the same time we are hyper-attuned to their moods, feelings and anything that bothers them - we feel responsible as if we caused it and as if it is our duty to fix them and we are responsible to keep them calm. Since we experience their emotion dysregulation as if it is our own. In the same time - we do not see that we are self-sabotaging ourselves. We do not see that we are abusing ourselves. We do not see that we place our needs aside. In fact - we will perceive the act of taking care of ourselves as response to abuse (such as being assertive, cutting of toxic person, leaving, protesting, stating facts, being objective, speaking the truth) as being abusive, selfish - we will see ourselves as someone who is narcissistic. If we are not taking care of someone's errors, problems and emotions - we believe we are bad person. And nobody explains it to us - that this is hyper-attunement, responsibility OCD and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. In fact - when we read self help books, when we seek online keywords related to social anxiety - we will be told that the problem is on our thoughts and in our behavior. Which means - additional toxic shame and more of self blame and self abuse. More of self hatred, self rejection. We cannot pour out of empty cup - we need to take care of our well being and our needs - this is common sense. Also - hyper attunement is not sickness - it is super power, it is super gift. The only problem are abusive people who are weaponizing anything as tool to abuse. This way - hyper-attunement is weaponized against us. Having empathy, listening to others, understanding them, trying to help - are amazing social skills which actually work with normal, healthy, sane, friendly, open, regulated persons. With toxic people - anything turns into self abuse weapon, whatever we do. And it is not our fault - the only fault there is - is abuse and predators who choose to abuse. In situations of oppression - where toxic people are in some kind of powerful place, some authority over us - there are no better or healthier defenses. There are no hidden secrets which we must ruminate and worry into materialization. When we are in situations where our basic Maslow needs depend on permission of some person - like our security, finances, food - the only way to survive are dysfunctional coping mechanisms: fawning, denial, suppression, ignoring. So I would stop with self pathologizing our social anxiety - which CBT is forcing us to do. Some self help resources will tell us that we need emotional regulation when we are in panic mode. Well - when we are in oppression - we are already trying to regulate ourselves - too much. This is why we use hyper-attunement - this is a way to regulate fear and panic and pain and hurt and injustice and aggressive toxic behavior from predators, their abuse. We do not need more of regulation. When we struggle with social anxiety - the only tools that we lack due to ACE and ACoA ambient, and tools that we need to handle oppression are: 1) not placing any kind of judgment on our panic, fear, anxiety, worry, rumination - otherwise we will blame ourselves automatically 2) trying to be flexible and deliberately seeking new information around us (like thinking that we might forget something urgent and perhaps make mental inventory about what we might forget) - otherwise we always go on auto-pilot of having rigid mindset which helped us to survive abuse: being focused on abusers need so that they stop with rage once we do everything they want exactly as they want it 3) moving forward - listening to our needs, being aware of our well being, goals, our purpose - otherwise we will automatically block this and place other people needs as primary focus in our decision making. So when we struggle with social anxiety - we need education about narcissistic abuse and learn concepts such as over-responsibility, hyper-attunement, rigid mindset, OCPD. Unlike self help books and CBT which tell us that we need to deny our anxiety. We do not need to nitpick our symptoms. This will turn into Confirmation bias, more of panic. We do not need to spend money and time on exposure or challenges. We have our goals as our guiding star - not making our anxiety to be our guide. Anxiety is only our inner alarm system - anxiety is not GPS. We do not need to remove our moral and ethical standards - these are protecting us from danger and they keep the quality of our life. We do not need to waste time on making Excel anxiety symptoms lists in order to fix our cognitive distortions as CBT tells us - all people have heuristics especially if they are forced to quickly solve or answer to demands. We do not need to perform OCD rituals like deep breathing - when we accept our social anxiety that will calm us down on its own since we will stop inner civil war. I know from my own experience - and all socially anxious people will confirm: that our problem is that we do not know what to do in social situations when social anxiety flares up. We have no idea what to talk about, where to go, what kind of decisions to make, how to react to unsuspecting unplanned vague situations, when someone is passive aggressive, when someone is openly rude. And in fact - we might know what to do - but it will feel as if we are doing it either wrong or that it is not enough. That as if something is missing and we cannot detect it. And we are correct - there is something wrong and there is something missing. Instead of faking it till we make it, as CBT instructs us, instead of having prepared speeches and topics to talk about - the only thing that we need is - flexibility. It is like introducing glasnost in USSR. https://preview.redd.it/0s7cor9rssde1.jpg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=cf6736da150a70971a9e4dbac7412ee6a41996cb Or it is like when open political parties won in 1970/80s Spain, Portugal or 1990s Ireland - so old Nazi right wing policy, corrupt political Taliban-like regime crumbled down - and then these states flourished in economy where previously they were poor and isolated. Personality disorders: Excessively rigid behavior patterns, or ways of relating to others, that ultimately become self-defeating There are no much of mainstream support for social anxiety - when I sought information about fear of making mistakes, fear of what other people think about me, how to stand up for yourself, fear of confrontation, fear of conflict - the resources out there are not only unhelpful - but they are also detrimental. They are all based on self abuse: that we believe that something is wrong with us and that we must change ourselves - but in the same time their method and tools to change ourselves do not help at all. In fact - they make social anxiety worse. There was no instruction or steps what to do with social anxiety - that actually works. We need to rely on our own brain and our own decision making - because we are the only ones who know who we are and what circumstances are around us. Other people cannot help us to live our own life. So the only solution is - flexibility. Other people - if they really want to help socially anxious - all they need to do is to validate our experiences, our social anxiety. When CBT tell us that our social anxiety is irrational - that is rude. How can CBT know our life situation - our socio-economic status and culture where we live? Abuse is almost always hidden and it cannot be proven - so it will appear as if we are indeed "irrational" and that we are experiencing Spotlight Effect. We also need to be told that difficult social anxiety symptoms that we feel - are natural normal reaction to abuse and to anti-social abnormal people who lack social skills and moral and ethical standards. If we are not explained this - we will tend to self blame ourselves for being abused. Which of course leads to new layers of panic and anxiety when we distrust ourselves. Also we need education about narcissistic abuse - so that we learn what it is and how it is manifested. Without this - we won't be able to remove emotional weight when we are being abused - since we will believe that we did something wrong. Toxic person will lie - and we will always believe them and accept their accusations as absolute truth - since this is what we learned in ACE and ACoA. When we see our social anxiety as hyper-attunement, over-responsibility OCD - then we will give our own brain some space to come up with new ideas - as oppose automatically going along with what abusers force us to believe. That is Glasnost part - we stop censoring our sources of reality - we stop seeing one source of information as the only truth (like government TV in North Korea) - and instead we open our eyes and see what is around and what is really true. Without these instructions - we will automatically blame ourselves, our toxic shame internalized inside us will force us into isolation, avoidance, passivity, immobility, hatred, grudge, black and white thinking and mostly to self abuse where we deny our own rights and needs. Just like living in strict, rigid, authoritarian regime. Social anxiety is an alarm that there is abuse and that there are toxic people around us who are forbidding us to express ourselves, to talk freely and to speak our opinion. Toxic people have sick need to control and to manipulate other people - this is their narcissistic supply, they feel good about themselves when they have victims to control - just like dictators in authoritarian states. People are programming us - they tell us some explanation that appears in line with our goals and moral ethical standards and we absorb it. This happens with anyone - not only with abusers and controllers. Then we make decisions based on this internalized data. This is how friendship works and functional family systems and any kind of contact with other people. If someone warn us that our stereo is too loud - we will listen to them and turn down the noise - because we integrated their experience, their information - and then we modified our decision to listen to the music - which we were not aware that it was too loud. We do not want other people to suffer, we do not want them to cause pain - so we have natural normal human need to hear them out, to understand them and to do as they want. This natural normal system gets perverse and sick around toxic people - where predatory personalities are commanding others and use others as objects to modify their reality. We end up walking on eggshells around them and have a list of things we are allowed to do and speak about and blacklist of what we should never contemplate. This is how we end up with rigid mindset - we learn to think that way in our ACE ACoA years. So it is very important - to know what kind of people are around us and how much predators and abusers are dangerous - when we form bonds and life long contracts with them that cannot be easily broken and removed. Almost any person can be programmed. They do not need to be traumatized and abused. Those people who have rigid mindset - are prone to corruption from outside - the only thing to hack and manipulate someone is discovering their rigid beliefs and then use them against themselves. For example - strong macho guy that appear super confident - if you tell him that his shirt is gay - he will stop wearing it. Because he is obsessed with image of being superior - so any kind of crack in fake image is perceived as painful to them - they are so insecure in themselves and they cannot cover up this deep insecurity with fake mask and acting. Their fake mask works against them. In some situation - they can become violent to protect their fake image. In the same way - our own rigid beliefs are being used against ourselves. When we believe that we are bad person when someone is angry - then predators will use anger as programming tool to enslave us. In shame-based culture countries - this programming (controlling and manipulating other people) is unhinged, wild, it happens 24/7. Young American explained why she left Croatia: "In Croatia people constantly express intrusive opinion about matters which are none of their business. The most irritating things were rude people." https://www.poslovni.hlifestyle/amerikanka-napusta-hrvatsku-neucinkovitost-i-birokracija-te-ljudi-koji-nemaju-motiva-za-napredovanjem-u-poslu-358422 Young American explained why she escaped from Croatia: "Often I heard Croats intruding why am I eating something, or commenting about what I wore. There is no such thing in America, we allow people to be what they want to be." https://www.vecernji.hshowbiz/amerikanka-u-hrvatskoj-iznenadila-objavom-ljudi-su-ovdje-cudni-kao-da-sam-u-losoj-vezi-1351757 And when we have high moral and ethical standards, when we are insecure in our identity - we are prime targets for controllers - whose narcissistic supply depend on people who are afraid of what other people think about them. Other people will use anger to control other people. Toxic people do it for control and greed and their selfish agenda or sadism. There are cases when some people use anger as discipline tool and as teaching material - such as in army or this: Dr. House’s teaching style is amazing #movie #shorts #video https://www.youtube.com/shorts/Rwud_h6dZg4 Then it may appear as if we need to remove and replace our current identity - in order to become strong and resilient and someone who cannot be triggered or controlled. This is rampant belief spread from CBT, self help industry and social anxiety coaches. Nope. We keep all our identity as it is - we are not the problem here. When people are controlling and abusive and manipulative - when they have hidden agenda so they cover up their real intentions - and then gaslight us into belief that we are irrational and that they are not abusive - their abuse is problem. Not our natural reactions to them. We are being brainwashed by patriarchy and toxic masculinity ideology - that certain feelings and emotions are feminine and hence undesirable and wrong. We cannot change our identity - like Sam Vaknin speaks in his videos very often. After the age of 25 - our core identity is solidified. Idea that we waste time and money on fixing and micromanaging our personality - so that we become soldier and fighter - is nonsense. We cannot change our core being. We should celebrate ourselves. Anything else is an act of self abuse, self rejection and self hatred. What we can do - is to tweak our rigid mindset to become more flexible - that we love ourselves and accept and validate ourselves. This is the way how we will stop being triggered and how we will develop resilience. When we learn how to react to scary people other than through self hatred and self accusations, when we learn how to trust ourselves first and allow ourselves to doubt rigid beliefs - we will actually change our personality. Carl Rogers: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself, just as I am, then I can change.” So CBT instructs us to develop fake image; narcissism. Yet - if we allow ourselves to be authentic - we can use our supposed flaws and imperfections in our advantage - instead of wasting our precious time and energy into hiding it from others. Fear of criticism - which is base definition of social anxiety - is real. People are controlling us with their words. They manipulate us with criticism. Their comments are spoken as a weapon to control us and to change our opinion or to direct our behavior, actions and decisions. Often - we are not aware that other people are controlling us - toxic people live only for control. They learned this since childhood and they are very skilled in masking it. This is their only purpose in life - they have disorder, they are anti-social - and it is normal to react in fear when we come into contact with such predators. When other people treat us as objects and discard us, and use us - it is highly damaging for our sense of self worth and our confidence. Especially when they are physically abusive - we will tend to isolate ourselves. We should feel fear around criminally insane people. Instead of hating ourselves for feeling the fear - our focus needs to be turned into our responsibility - what are our responsibilities. In social anxiety - we will notice that we hold wrong, programmed beliefs that we must fix others and make them happy. We don't. We are not responsible to fix or cure or hide someone's abuse. submitted by ranc1 to SocialAnxiety_Ideas [link] [comments] |
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Second off we need to stop playing Partey at right back like we always lose or draw when we do that like he played alright attacking wise but defensively was horrid.
Third off let’s not start attacking the coach please let’s just be patient and see the season through. If things are worse then we can now start attacking Arteta but for now let’s just back the manager and the boys.
Finally I hope we get a striker and maybe an extra winger this Jan but a striker would be enough for me tbh, as Saka and Nwaneri’s return will solve the winger problem.
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2025.01.18 19:32 pencilUserWho What would happen if abortion was legal in any month? Even if you are 30 years old, if your OWN MOTHER wants you dead, we end you.
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2025.01.18 19:32 South_Ad4411 I am very confused on what this is
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2025.01.18 19:32 ThatOneCrazyWritter Skill-based Fantasy RPGs for beginners to them? Or for people that have trouble too much granularity?
I've only played D&D and those similar, but I really want to try a skill based this year or the next.
For more context, I mainly GM oneshots or mini campaigns, max 3 to 5 sessions.
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