AITA for calling my uncle‘s wife an ugly bitch?
2025.01.22 16:49 Affectionate-Bug7423 AITA for calling my uncle‘s wife an ugly bitch?
Throwaway. Hear me out before you kill me. My mother (49) and her brother (54) grew up very privileged and were very close growing up. This will also be a long story with a lot of context added, sorry in advance.
My mother got married at 20 to my father, had me 5 years later, they’re still very happily married almost 30 years later. My uncle, however, was in a 15-year relationship from around the time my mother met my father, until I was about 10 years old. It was an on-off relationship, she’d throw him out of the house consistently, he’d come to stay with us or his parents, only for her to take him back later. She never wanted marriage or children, he thought he could change her mind, that sort of situation.
I was very young when they had their final split, nobody thought it would actually be their final split since it had happened so many times before, so nobody took him very seriously. Until he came in one day, told us he’d gotten a different woman pregnant, and would be doing “the right thing”, aka marrying her. We were all very happy for him even though we had never met that woman because HE seemed happy. This was what he had always wanted, and even though we were cautious of him rushing things, he seemed ecstatic. He had been depressed for months before, going out a lot, mindlessly being with different women. Circumstances weren’t ideal, but maybe this was what he needed to turn things around. Things changed when my mother asked for a picture.
This is where I need to provide more context. Without sounding absolutely terrible, my family is very conventionally attractive. My grandmother looks decades younger (due to her taking care of herself extensively and a few surgical tweaks), my mother used to model professionally in her youth and is very disciplined with her body to this day, my father is very athletic and conventionally attractive to the point that all of my friends had/have a thing for him, my uncle even at the time (around 40) could get any girl he wanted. The woman he had been with for 15 years looked like the reincarnation of Snow White herself. Everyone in my family is tall, they’re lean, and they look a certain way. I would also like to emphasise that this was never said out loud, or that anyone thought of themselves as “better than”. It was (or rather is) just an unspoken fact.
I feel bad for what I am about to say. He pulls out a picture of her, and I started laughing. I thought it was a joke. Forgive me, I was 10, his old girlfriend looked like Snow White, and the picture of this new woman truly looked like the younger sister of the old witch from Snow White. I made a joke about her nose and her ears. My mother immediately scolded me, said she was beautiful in her way, and gave me a lecture, both in front of her brother and after he had left. I apologised to my uncle a day later, and he told me not to worry about it. I was 10, so I didn’t.
The dynamic changed gravely after this. We met her, but he kept all contact to a minimum when in the past he had come over at least weekly for Sunday brunch, no matter where he lived. They ended up getting married while she was 6 months pregnant, we found out through family members that invites were sent out weeks before while we had gotten nothing until a week prior, when they came over and claimed they wanted to hand deliver them. My parents scrambled to find wedding attire and while her two sisters were in the center of attention during the wedding, my parents (and I) were placed at the table at the very back of the room.
My uncle’s wife has been very difficult over the years. They’ve had two beautiful boys that we love dearly, and they have been the main reason we have kept up contact. She herself? Cold since day one. Not just towards my parents, also towards my grandparents, kept her distance, delivered stabs throughout and would straight up leave the room for hours when his side of the family came to visit.
The relationship between my mother and her brother also has never been as close as it was, and as my grandfather reaches a certain age and declines in health, my uncle has taken steps that are regarded as sneaky by the majority of our extended family (getting his father (who’s suffering from dementia) to sign over things to him early etc.). I’m going to spare the details, but it’s been very petty for the past few years since my grandfather is a wealthy man. My mother insists that everything should be left to my grandmother first and foremost, and split between the two evenly after she passes, which will be a while (hopefully) since they have a significant age gap. My uncle disagrees. My parents have done very well themselves separately from my mother’s family’s wealth while my uncle has not, so while he might need the money/properties earlier, my mother intends to sue him if he goes ahead.
This has obviously caused commotion within our extended family, and this is where the title comes in, and my question to you. My uncle was visiting my grandmother’s sister, and as it does, the family feud came out. She asked him straight up what caused the split between him and his sister, to which he replied “how would you feel if your niece makes fun of the love of your life’s looks? They’re superficial, they think she’s ugly and bully/belittle her, that’s why we stay away”
Me. I’m the issue. A comment I made at age 10 is the reason for all of this? That I quite literally forgot about because he told me to? Oh, you’re funny. Of course my grandmother’s sister immediately called my mother and told her. Who then told me.
To say I was upset is an understatement. My partner had to deescalate me multiple times and physically stop me from calling or texting them. He’s of the opinion that my uncle is insecure about his lack of financial stability at his age, and also insecure about his wife’s looks compared to the rest of the family, so it’s easiest to pin it on the one time something was actually said out loud. I would also like to emphasise that since that day, nobody has ever said anything about this woman’s looks. I’m not gonna stand here and tell you there’s never been a negative word about her behaviour since that wouldn’t be true, but her looks have never, ever been targeted since that day. Not to her face, not behind her back.
They might’ve even gotten away with it had my grandmother’s birthday not been a couple weeks later, and had I not been still seething at that point. We don’t go to their birthday’s and they don’t come to ours, but if it’s my grandmother’s birthday, everyone comes together for her sake. In hindsight the comment she made wasn’t even a big deal, but she ended up making a joke of my grandmother in a belittling way (context of that would take a minute and this is already too long). She got a few half hearted laughs from the table, I look at her (I’d honestly been waiting) and said “yeah haha, you know at least she’s not an ugly bitch haha, both inside and out hahahaha” and after everyone went silent I added “since I’m already accused of being a bully, I wanted to at least make it worth it”.
Commotion arises, my uncle starts calling me a conceited cunt, my partner and I ended up leaving early. My partner’s mad at me because I shouldn’t have “lowered myself to their level”, my mother’s upset because I’ve proven them right to the extended family.
I don’t regret it at all. Ties were severed years ago, we’re not planning on staying in contact after my grandmother passes, this had already been the narrative they were spreading so I at least wanted to make it worth it.
So tell me, am I the asshole?
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